The Bachelor Recap: Week One

Breaking News: Matt James is afraid of girls!

Seeing someone as ridiculously handsome as Matt James get all flustered and nervous around women has already made my year. Seriously if I was a man with a face like that I literally could not be stopped. God knew what he was doing when he made me a 7.

This week we got to learn about Matt. I mean this is wild, all we know about this man is that he’s cool by association with fan-favorite Tyler Cameron. He was originally cast to be on Clare’s season but was saved by the Bachelor gods and promoted to the lead of the flagship show of the franchise.

Here’s what I can tell about Matt:

1) His bone structure? Immaculate

2) He loves his MOM!!! She seems like such a nice lady.

3) He’s had to do a lot of internal work recently. This franchise brings out A LOT in the leads and I can already see him working through some past issues.

4) This mans is TALLLL like crazy tall. The limo entrances with the girls looked like ‘Honey I shrunk the Kids’ except the kids were 30 IG models.

5) He’s probably gonna leave single. (I’m more than ok with that)

Some notable limo entrances included Saneh who strolled up wearing Goat slippers, Chelsea who wore the world’s most complicated (but stunning!!!!) dress, and Katie who whipped out a purple dildo. It’s 2021, it’s the wild wild west out here.

Abigail, who was born deaf, received the first impression rose from Matt and all of America. Most surprising, but not surprising at all, was the final rose going to ‘Queen Victoria’ who caused nothing but petty drama the whole night by interrupting all of Matt’s conversations.

Did Katie’s dildo get a rose too? I can’t remember.

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